Order of the Phoenix Sarcastic Version
by PadfootRidesAgain
Summary: What would happen if the author quite literally dumped himself - in all his sarcastic glory- into the story and met with the main character. NON SLASH Features a Harry willing to learn about the facts of life!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:** The Author Personified

The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive.

Cars that were usually gleaming stood dusty in their drives and lawns that were once emerald green lay parched and yellowing -for the use of hosepipes had been banned due to drought.

Deprived of their usual car-washing and lawn mowing pursuits, the inhabitants of Privet Drive had retreated into the shade of their cool houses, windows thrown wide in the hope of tempting in a nonexistent breeze.

The only person left outdoors was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flowerbed outside number four, and off in the distance you heard the gentle humming of a mountain bike riding somewhere a couple blocks down.

The boy in the flowerbed was a skinny, black-haired, bespectacled boy who had the pinched, slightly unhealthy look of someone who has grown a lot in a short space of time.

His jeans were torn and dirty, his T-shirt baggy and faded, and the soles of his trainers were peeling away from the uppers.

Harry Potter's appearance did not endear him to the neighbors, who were the sort of people who thought scruffiness ought to be punishable by law, but as he had hidden himself behind a large hydrangea bush this evening he was quite invisible to passers-by.

In fact, the only way he would be spotted was if his Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia stuck their heads out of the living-room window and looked straight down into the flowerbed below.

On the whole, Harry thought he was to be congratulated on his idea of hiding here. He was not, perhaps, very comfortable lying on the hot, hard earth but, on the other hand, nobody was glaring at him, grinding their teeth so loudly that he could not hear the news, or shooting nasty questions at him, as had happened every time he had tried sitting down in the living room to watch television with his aunt and uncle.

Almost as though this thought had fluttered through the open window, Vernon Dursley Harry's uncle, suddenly spoke.

"Glad to see the boy's stopped trying to butt in. Where is he, anyway?"

"I don't know," said Aunt Petunia, unconcerned. "Not in the house."

Uncle Vernon grunted.

"Watching _the news _…" he said scathingly. "I'd like to know what he's really up to. As if a normal boy cares what's on the news -Dudley hasn't got a clue what's going on; doubt he knows who the Prime Minister is!

Anyway, it's not as if there'd be anything about his lot on _our _news — "

"Vernon, shh!" said Aunt Petunia. "The window is open!"

"Oh - yes - sorry, dear."

The Dursleys fell silent. Harry listened to a jingle about Fruit 'n' Bran breakfast cereal while he watched Mrs. Figg, a batty cat-loving old lady from nearby Wisteria Walk, amble slowly past.

She was frowning and muttering to herself. Harry was very pleased he was concealed behind the bush, as Mrs. Figg had recently taken to asking him round for tea whenever she met him in the street. She had rounded the corner and vanished from view before Uncle Vernon's voice floated out of the window again.

"Dudders out for tea?"

"At the Polkisses'," said Aunt Petunia fondly. "He's got so many little friends, he's so popular"

Harry suppressed a snort with difficulty. The Dursleys really were astonishingly stupid about their son, Dudley.

They had swallowed all his dim-witted lies about having tea with a different member of his gang every night of the summer holidays. Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley had not been to tea anywhere; he and his gang spent every evening vandalizing the play park, smoking on street corners and throwing stones at passing cars and children.

Harry had seen them at it during his evening walks around Little Whinging; he had spent most of the holidays wandering the streets, scavenging newspapers from bins along the way.

The opening notes of the music that heralded the seven o'clock news reached Harry's ears and his stomach turned over. Perhaps tonight - after a month of waiting - would be the night.

_'Record numbers of stranded holiday makers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers' strike reaches its second week -_

"Give 'em a lifelong siesta, I would," snarled Uncle Vernon over the end of the newsreader's sentence, but no matter: outside in the flowerbed, Harry's stomach seemed to unclench.

If anything had happened, it would surely have been the first item on the news; death and destruction were more important than stranded holidaymakers.

He let out a long, slow breath and stared up at the brilliant blue sky. Every day this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again… and always, growing more insistent all the time, the question of _why _nothing had happened yet.

He kept listening, just in case there was some small clue, not recognized for what it really was by the Muggles - an unexplained disappearance, perhaps, or some strange accident… but the baggage-handlers' strike was followed by news about the drought in the Southeast ('I hope he's listening next door!' bellowed Uncle Vernon. 'Him with his sprinklers on at three in the morning!'), then a helicopter that had almost crashed in a field in Surrey, then a famous actress's divorce from her famous husband ('As if we're interested in their sordid affairs,' sniffed Aunt Petunia, who had followed the case obsessively in every magazine she could lay her bony hands on).

Harry closed his eyes against the now blazing evening sky as the newsreader said,

'- _and finally, Bungy the budgie has found a novel way of keeping cool this summer. Bungy, who lives at the Five Feathers in Barnsley, has learned to water ski! Mary Dorkins went to find out more_.'

Harry opened his eyes. If they had reached water-skiing budgerigars, there would be nothing else worth hearing. He rolled cautiously on to his front and raised himself on to his knees and elbows, preparing to crawl out from under the window.

He had moved about two inches when a voice right next to him scared the daylights out of him.

"What the hell are you doing?" the bemused voice asked causing Harry to jump up. His eyes watered as pain seared through his head as it met the unforgiving open window shutter. Turning around, he opened his mouth to reply when a loud _CRACK_ echoed through the air. Both of them turned to face the noise, a short stick appearing in Harry's hand as a shriek came from within the house.

"_PUT THAT AWAY!"_ Vernon snarled into Harry's ear quietly. Harry felt his hot breath by his neck as his Uncle made to talk again before suddenly noticing that there was company. Letting go of Harry as if he had been burned and pretending that nothing had happened, Vernon instantly put on his polite face just in time for the new person to turn around; Harry's wand had long since disappeared.

"Well hello, Harry." Vernon said loudly and nicely, only his tiny eyes showing how much hatred he had for the freak in front of him, "What brings you here?"

Thinking quickly, Harry knew that the answer 'Watching the news' would spell trouble for him and his mind easily provided an excuse.

"I was just showing my new friend around the house, Uncle. Uncle Vernon meet-

Jack Riley. Pleasure to meet you sir, I just moved in a couple blocks down." Harry breathed out slowly as the guy, Jack, apparently took the cue and introduced himself without a pause or hesitation. He figured he should at least finish the introduction.

"Jack Riley, meet Vernon Dursley."

Vernon's look was unreadable but his eyes flared in hatred that gave Harry some enjoyment in the boring summer. It was not often, after all that Harry would be able to piss off his Uncle this much and get away with it.

"Yes well…" Vernon paused as though thinking of something to say before he finished lamely, "Don't hang around in one place, you'll get dehydrated."

"Yes, Uncle Vernon, we were just leaving. See you later."

It was a quiet duo that went down Privet Drive, one on bike and one on foot. They went that way for a while before Jack broke the silence.

"So…" Jack said slowly, "new friend huh?" he asked turning to look at the boy next him inquisitively. While there was no smile on his face, at the same time it was not unfriendly. For the first time, Harry turned to look at the person he had claimed as 'friend'.

Jack was tall around 5'11'', with black hair and clear blue eyes that reminded him slightly of Sirius, sans the mischievous twinkle. His clothing, while formal –a white button down shirt and black dress pants with slip on dress shoes- was thrown on him in a way that just screamed casual. A light mustache coming in dusted his upper lip.

He was also riding a bike, an expensive one it looked like, not that Harry knew anything about bikes but all in all, he didn't look like a bad guy.

"Yeah thanks, mate." Harry finally mumbled a reply, "I owe you one." Harry's gaze returned to the sidewalk as they took a turn down some block Harry didn't know the name of, and couldn't be bothered to check. Jack's reply made him want to smash his head into the closest wall and end it all now.

"I'd say you owe me your neck from the looks of it." Jack retorted before continuing, "What the hell was that all about anyway, and what was with that crack also?"

Harry's reply was a far from convincing, "Dunno what you're talking about mate."

They had stopped in front of a house that looked like every other house on the block, except the number, 13, was emblazoned on the front door in gold. Pulling out a key, Jack easily opened the door in a practiced move before stepping aside and letting Harry in, at the same time shooting back a sarcastic reply that had Harry choking.

"Yeah, and that stick you were waving is something you picked off the street to play around with."

Deciding to ignore the question after getting over his coughing fit, Harry decided to ask one of his own. "Where are we?" he asked curiously looking around. There was a couch and two chairs set up tastefully around the corners of the front room, a mantle over the fireplace held about a dozen pictures of different people and lamps on all sides lit up the room in a warm glow.

A raised eyebrow along with "oh I don't know, let me think… oh yea my house!" Was the reply that sent Harry blushing as he revised his opinion as someone slightly better than Snape. He did after all help him out with his Uncle.

"No need to get sarcastic with me." Harry said defensively, "I was just asking-

Well don't" he was cut off, "It makes you look stupid if you ask stupid questions. One thing you learn in life, and learn fast, is not to ask stupid questions unless you want someone to underestimate you. You learn a lot more keeping quiet then you do making noise."

Harry frowned but didn't say anything as he slowly digested this information. He followed Jack up the hard wood stairs and into the room on the immediate right and stopped short at the mess that he saw.

The bed was covered in wires that tangled up in some elaborate way that Harry was sure would take hours to undo, three machines –tape decks- Harry thought, were in pieces around the floor and on a desk was a glowing screen displaying the time and date and a small picture of Jack and Harry in the room.

Next to the screen was a computer console that looked like an older version of the one Dudley had, yet had three times the amount of wires and drives around it. There was even a wire going out the window and Harry vaguely recalled seeing an antenna of some sort on the roof of the house.

Deciding to take Jack's advice for the time being, Harry kept quiet and watched as Jack shoved some junk around his bed, removed a wireless keyboard and mouse and plopped down on the newly cleared space leaving just enough room for Harry to sit. After a moment of hesitation, in which Jack once more raised the dreaded eyebrow, Harry sat.

He was quiet as Jack placed the keyboard on his lap and tapped away at the keys. Harry watched as the computer console flickered through several screens –eventually matching fingerprints from what Harry gathered from all the screens flashing by before Jack stopped and waited for some program.

Ignoring Jack's comment of being a quick learner and maybe they could be friends if he always caught on quickly, he watched as several diagrams popped up on the screen. Seeing Jack scrutinizing them carefully and apparently reading them, Harry himself tried to do the same but after looking at it for more than a minute he had a massive headache and he was content to let Jack read them himself.

It was another five minutes that Harry regretted his decision as a thoughtful and surprised look overtook Jack's face before it was quickly smoothed back down to normal, Harry had a bad feeling about this and was debating if he should get up and run now when Jack suddenly turned to him.

"So what level skill are you in magic?" he asked casually.

"Starting fifth year." Harry responded automatically before he could stop himself, his mouth opened wide and he stared shocked at Jack as a smug smirk slowly spread across Jack's face.

"So I was right." He said more to himself than Harry, "Magic is real."

**A\N: ** _All I'm going to say is that NO Jack is NOT a wizard, and yes he will explain to Harry how he came to his seemingly random conclusion. Jack will not be a major character passed the summer. He is someone Harry meets once that changes him. Whether he will pop up later or not I'm still deciding and of course depends somewhat on the readers….I'm still working on my other stories but this one just quite literally hit me during work and I couldn't get it off my mind…._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:** The Wonders of Technology…and logic

Harry took his time to think before responding; knowing by now that Jack was a lot more perceptive then he seemed. When his thoughts were gathered, he spoke; his voice showing no indication of how he felt.

"That is a rather random idea." He told Jack, "I wonder what brought you to that conclusion?"

Jack ignored the question in favor of the one pressing on him, there was a smug look about him and he was giving off an air that he was right and wouldn't listen to anyone say anything different.

"What are the capabilities of it? What laws of science can you break and how much power does one have?"

Jack wasn't really interested in finding out about the answers really; he was using the questions to overwhelm Harry who was apparently used to hiding the existence of magic.

He had also never really confirmed if he was right which depending on the answers Harry gave, should do that. He couldn't after all just ask him if he was right for that would be a stupid question, something which Jack didn't like asking.

"You haven't told me yet why you believe magic to be real." Harry stated raising an eyebrow in an uncanny imitation of the boy next to him.

"You have yet to actually deny it." Was Jack's response, emerald green met clear blue, neither giving an inch as Jack waited for a sign that he was right.

Harry hesitated for a second and then opened his mouth. It was too late he realized as he saw Jack's smirk spread across his face even as he loudly denied magic's existence. When he stopped talking there was silence before Jack got up from the bed and started pacing around the room. The way he maneuvered around the room showed his ease in moving around the mess. As he paced, he spoke.

"Everything in the world is made up of tiny particles." He said not looking at Harry, knowing that he was listening and wondering at the change of subject. "In times before science evolved to what it is now, people believed that everything was made out of four elements; Earth, Air, Fire, and lastly Water.

Back then there was a few people who believed differently claiming that it wasn't possible for those four elements to account for everything that existed, and so the elements as we know them today were thought of back then. Obviously not to the extent we have now but they had the basic idea.

However, despite whatever arguments and proof that they had back then, those people were persecuted and laughed at, they were the 'scientific joke' of the time, it was preposterous to even think that there could be more elements than the four previously mentioned, much like today it would preposterous to even consider magic exists.

Yet here we are today we have the periodic table of elements listing over a hundred elements that we believe everything is made of."

Finally he turned to Harry, and he smiled at him, "Isn't that amazing?"

Harry slowly nodded, wondering what the sudden lecture had to do with their previous argument but at the same time not wanting to get Jack back on the subject if he had actually left it.

"Now days," Jack said, again starting off , turning away from Harry, "because technology progressed the way it has, and because of the careless way we, as humans use it, the earth has become polluted, the air filled with gasses sometimes toxic making some places uninhabitable for us. There are many lakes and parts of the ocean we have destroyed by our callous dumping of garbage that has killed sea life in places. Every part of the world is polluted in some way." Jack finished looking at Harry to see his response. The shock spreading across his face was not anticipated.

"You mean to tell me that we are slowly killing the world we are living in and nobody is doing anything about it?" Harry asked incredulously.

"That's right." Jack responded his eyes narrowing, "However what I find more disturbing is that everyone in the world knows that already, there have been debates about global warming for years now and we are taught from first grade at least about pollution. How is it that a fifteen year old doesn't know about it?"

Harry mentally frowned, while his face showed no outward expression. It was true that wizards didn't know or care about what muggles were doing and therefore they didn't teach about it. Everything from the small history lesson on science to the pollution had been new to him. He couldn't think of an answer so he just shrugged again. Jack nodded to himself before once more seemingly changing the subject.

"Recently the United States has made some breakthroughs with technology. They, and a few other countries have had satellites orbiting the planet in outer space for a while, sending down pictures of what it looks like out there and what not, but the breakthrough they made recently along with the GPS is the monitoring of the air, to help monitor the pollution, the satellites have the capability to breakdown whatever is in the air to the basic elements, and although the information is not up for public knowledge, it is available for people who know a thing or two about computers.

The first thing I did on my computer was check the air around your house, and what I found was shocking to say the least. It looked like a massive puzzle with a few pieces missing. The general shape of a round circle; roughly the size of a man! Acting on a I hunch, I did a search for those 'missing puzzle pieces' and found them on the other side of Britain! That left me with one conclusion; teleportation.

Put that together with the stick that appeared in your hand the second you heard the sound, it stood to reason that you recognized it and was scared that someone had showed up; and you have DING DING DING…. Magic exists and you are a wizard!" Jack finished triumphantly daring Harry to deny it with a raised eyebrow.

"You're crazy!" Harry said loudly, trying to cover the rush of blood that was pounding in his ears. Dear god! He knew that Wizards had severely underestimated muggles but by how much? Would anyone else with the same amount of information Jack had, jump to the same conclusion. Harry was babbling, saying anything that would get the idea out of Jack's head, even though he knew it was useless.

Jack cut him off by heading towards his computer. This time, Harry paid close attention when Jack started typing, he leaned in; still muttering under his breath, and watched the screen as an eagle eyes view of privet drive showed up on the screen. The screen grayed out for a second before coming back in full color. Literally.

Harry's brow furrowed as he looked at the screen; a screen that looked like a child had taken paint and splashed it all over the place, "You can read that?" He asked incredulously.

"Easily" was Jack's reply , "and no, I am not going to tell you what they mean I have no interest in teaching ninth grade science to you right now."

Harry sighed, really he should've thought about keeping up with muggle studies during the summer to keep himself from getting bored and so he wouldn't feel lost in this world. Losing interest he watched dispassionately as Jack scrolled through the neighborhood apparently looking for something. Knowing him, it would probably be more proof that the magical world exists.

He was brought out of his musings by Jack's loud "What the hell!?"

"Hmm?" Harry asked him.

"According to the sensors there is a large amount of solid mass, roughly the shape of an extremely tall man. Two of them actually here and here." He pointed them out on the screen and indeed, Harry saw they did look like two tall men heavily cloaked.

"So?" Harry asked, what's wrong with that?

"What's wrong is the sensors aren't sure what it is, as the chemical makeup doesn't match anything including your own, as well as it's giving off an energy reading that is off the charts!"

"Can you switch to normal view so we can see what it is?" Harry asked suddenly looking closer. Anything giving off energy readings and being ignored by muggle authorities was probably magical. There was a flicker before the screen showed a street with the outskirts of Surrey. It was extremely dark, and they could barely see anything. Without saying anything, Jack hit a few more keys and suddenly everything turned white.

"Holy shit!" Jack breathed out. Harry looked at him, "What does that mean." Jack shook his head, "I activated the infared vision, or more commonly known as night vision, it works off by reading heat signatures. According to this this place is freezing cold now, there is not a drop of heat anywhere in this area!"

Harry's mouth dried up as he thought of what it might be, what would cause lights to go out, suck up heat, and be invisible. The only answer he could think of didn't make any sense, what were they doing in Surrey?

"_Don't be a dumbass!"_ he snarled at himself, _"Lord Voldemort is back, and he's after your blood! Dumbledore warned Fudge this would happen!"_

"Jack…." He said slowly, Jack turned to him, his eyes still shocked out of the corner of Harry's eye he noticed the screen getting progressively darker, the Dementors were moving and he had to act fast.

**A\N: **_Apparently there aren't too many who like this story, sooo I'll update another chapter or so and see if opinions change and if they don't….I'll guess I'll take it down. I still think this is a good idea but alas…_


End file.
